Unprecedented

I alternated back and forth today between wanting desperately to turn off the news, and not being able to turn off the news. I logged into social media tonight and stared at that question blinking at the top of my screen, "What's on your mind?" What's on my mind doesn't fit in a Facebook post, so here I am. 

1.) I thought about turning off my social media completely and refusing to honor my space with an acknowledgment of the atrocity occurring in our nation's capital today. And then I thought that to look the other way and not comment on it was probably far worse. 

2.) I'm not surprised, but I am so sad. I'm not even going to pretend that it wasn't calculated and fully orchestrated. Having watched a number of protests evolve over the last four years, I know that there is no way those people would have gained access to our Capitol building unless there was some complicity on the part of the people who were supposed to protect it and prevent it from happening. Absolutely everyone saw it coming, and don't tell me we didn't have the resources to stop it before it happened.

3.) I think my heart hurts so much because I have grown accustomed to watching Americans be filled with righteous indignation over terrorism that originates from outside of our borders, like 9/11. The fact that our own people are willing to tear apart the fabric of our nation hurts on an entirely different level. 

4.) People of color in our nation have grown accustomed to oppression and to having their needs overlooked and ignored for so long...and they have been forced to tolerate it and swallow it, expected at all times to be quiet & keep the peace. They are consistently lectured over what deemed to be inappropriate protest (Colin Kaepernick.) Yet a very small minority of white people, completely unaccustomed to not getting their way, made the decision today to desecrate a symbol of the nation they purport to love and adore. The irony of this is not lost on any of us.

5.) I'm used to reading about this kind of news in history books. I have been increasingly concerned over the division I see widening in our country, but in my privileged white girl world I have been able to hold much of the world's trauma at arm's length. Tonight, more than ever, that feels selfish, and my thoughts are mostly consumed with what I'm going to do about it. I know I have a responsibility to play a part; I don't know how to do it yet. I have no idea what to do, but I'm listening, I'm paying attention, and my heart is wide open to learning how.

5.) My heart hurts for my country. That's what's on my mind tonight.